My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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