so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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