The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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