Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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