I faked an abortion last night.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
no. you can't hotbox the world.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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