I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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