I accidentally had phone sex last night
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
