is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
