I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
