she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
