We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize