Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
