He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
