Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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