you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
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