just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
