Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
