You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
