so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
