remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
