even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
