I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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