I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
