Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
