If i come over, it means nothing
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
