Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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