so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
