I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
