Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
