Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
