because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Vodka?
Forever.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
