It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Someone shattered a urinal.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize