Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
