i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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