Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
