I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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