i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
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