Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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