we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
