dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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