At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
