The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize