Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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