i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
