I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
