he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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