fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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