I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
