she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
