Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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