i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
