im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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