Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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