In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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