He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
