I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
