The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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