I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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