someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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